Last night I was looking for freezer space for my groceries, and saw pizza sauce, mashed potatoes, cubes of chicken broth…I think. I can’t really tell!
Rather than admit defeat I close the door to think. I need to make room, but I can’t toss these indecipherable packages and containers because I have been paying to freeze them all this time. They must be valuable – and edible – if I put them in there!
Which brings us to the first law of freezers. The longer an item remains in the freezer the less likely you are to throw it away OR EAT IT.
I call this the grandfather rule. In practice, ancient items have grandfathered rights to remain in the freezer.
The problem is these inedible edibles are taking up valuable real estate. How am I supposed to be a freezer diva when all I can stash in my icebox is one measly pizza pocket? It’s embarrassing, I tell you.
Worst of all, my frozen foodstuffs mock me.
Have you ever tried to put a carton of ice cream on top of a grandfathered tenant? Immediately slides off and jams the door before you can slam it shut. It’s as if all the old tenants pass around a bottle of olive oil and lather up so nobody can cozy up to them.
This is the second law of freezers. Old = oily.
If you are lucky, you will close the freezer completely on the seventh try. (Yes, I leave the freezer bursting precariously and yes, I make sure not to be the next person who opens it.)
Yesterday, after a late-night run to Albertons, which is having a massive sale through Tuesday, I came face to face with my grumpy old tenants. Oh, I’ll outsmart you this time, I thought when I returned with three whole chickens, two cartons of ice cream and one pint of sorbet. (Not to mention 11 boxes of cereal, all on super sale.)
The sorbet popped into the door on top of a bag of chili peppers (I’m testing how long they freeze. Three years and counting!) I jammed one ice cream container into a bag of frozen peas, and I rearranged two packages of hot togs to make room for a chicken. I shoved the second ice cream carton into a bag of hamburger buns and stuffed another chicken on top. That leaves one more chicken. Into the fridge with you!
I opened my freezer and evicted every last edible and inedible package, above. Get moving, granny!
Here are the shady characters I have been renting to this entire time. Items in italics are bound for the trash.
4 D, 2 C and 2 AA batteries
1 small bag of breadcrumbs
1 tupperware of breadcrumbs
8 frozen strawberries
Full loaf of bread
1 bag of chili peppers
2 frozen cheese and chili tamales
Small bottle of Jeager with one shot left
2 containers of Hubby’s chili dated 1/9/08 and 9/22/07
Tube of limeade syrup
7 containers of chicken broth
1 freezer-burned chicken carcass (for making broth – as if I needed more!)
7 half-full containers of pizza sauce
1 serving of mashed potatoes
4 veggie burgers (unopened)
1 baggie of gray, freezer-burned chicken meat
1 small, 1 large bag chopped peppers
7 hot dog buns
8 hamburger buns
4 mini pita rounds
2 empty plastic bags
3 slices of bread
2 1/4 chunks of unsliced bread
4 slices of bread
1 unopened package of vegetables
2 cracked containers of beef gravy
1 bag edamame
1/2 bag pork wontons
2 whole chickens
1 lb ground turkey
2 packages of hot dogs
4 chicken thighs (in two bags)
5 completely unidentifiable packages
3 cold sports packs for icing joints
1 blue eye mask
1 bag peas
2 bags chopped green and red peppers
6 potato rolls
1/2 bag petite onions
1 rolling cloth (for dough)
1/2 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla
2 mini empanadas
1 bag french toast
1 container sorbet, two boxes of ice cream
6 otter pops
4 cubes of potatoes
1/2 package green beans
2 tiny balls of dough
1/2 lb sliced turkey breast
I wiped down the freezer, re-arranged the items by category (from the bottom up, bread/veggies; meat; anything in tupperware; misc.), and snapped a picture for you all to see evidence of the third freezer law. Sometimes you have to throw stuff out. Notice the top shelf is half-empty. Success!